i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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