Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
