My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
