Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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