I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
