I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
it's like iHOP with fire
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
