you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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