No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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