my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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