dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
