Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
