I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
