ugly people sure do ruin things
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
