this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
