Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
