The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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