he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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