I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
