god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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