Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
