I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
