I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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