i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
