I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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