Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
