my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
