It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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