I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
this is an emotional support booty call
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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