I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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