a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
