My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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