did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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