searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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