No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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