This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
