my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
