On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This is the high leading the old right now
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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