Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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