You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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