I wish life had little blips of pornography
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
