Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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