blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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