Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
