My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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