Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just googled if crying burns calories
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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