Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize