I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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