Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
