this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize