he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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