If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
