Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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