My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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