sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
my poor anus
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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