quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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