hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
