youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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