watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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